how i remember my dear Bapak

Ini blog lama juga dianggurin, terakhir nulis pas lagi stase obgyn. Sekarang udah tinggal 7 minggu lagi jadi koas (amiin). Mau nulis, tapi kalo nulis mikirnya lama, sementara ada banyak to-do list buat malem ini. Terus entah kenapa keinginan buat nulis itu selalu datang sebagai distraction dari tugas-tugas wajib *sigh. Tapi ya karena kasihan melihat blog yang sekian bulan gue cuekin ini, yasudahlah isi aja dengan sesuatu.

Anyway, ini tulisan gue buat almarhum bokap gue yang dicetak di buku yasin-nya pas peringatan 100 hari wafatnya bokap gue. Ditulisnya kilat, pas lagi di perpus IPD, dan sambil nangis terhura dewekan juga errr abisnya pake hati banget nulisnya haha (dan untung perpusnya lagi kosong). Alhamdulillah keluarga yang baca pada bilang bagus and it really describes him :')

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Katanya obat terbaik saat kehilangan seseorang adalah mengingat bagaimana ia hidup. Jadi daripada mengingat bagaimana Bapak pergi, saya lebih memilih mengingat bagaimana Bapak hidup. Apalagi kalau kisah hidupnya Bapak memang sangat pantas dikenang. 

Bapak mengajarkan arti struggle yang sebenarnya, bagaimana niat dan ikhtiar dapat mengubah yang tidak mungkin menjadi mungkin.

Bapak adalah seseorang yang sangat berprinsip, dan mengajarkan saya bahwa seseorang dengan prinsip dan integritas kuat tidak akan mudah tergoyahkan apapun halangan yang dia hadapi.

A real family man, seseorang yang sangat menganut prinsip family comes first, namun juga mengajarkan bahwa ada hal-hal seperti nurani dan mimpi yang harus kita sadari dan kejar sendiri.

Bapak mengajarkan saya untuk selalu open-minded, menghargai dan jangan pernah meremehkan seseorang apapun pilihan hidupnya.

Bapak suka sekali dengan anak kecil. Sampai sekarang saya masih terkagum-kagum dan heran mengingat bagaimana Bapak, seorang laki-laki, belum pernah gagal menaklukkan anak kecil manapun. Kalau kata Bapak, menghadapi anak kecil itu yang penting tulus. A kid knows who's honest and who's fake.

Bapak dan Ibu menikah secara sederhana, tanpa foto pelaminan atau semacamnya. Tapi melihat Bapak di usia pernikahannya yang ke-21 masih selalu menggandeng tangan Ibu, buat saya itu gambaran terbaik yang bisa ditunjukkan orang tua kepada anaknya tentang pernikahan.

"I assumed that you've reached a better place, still I'll give the world to see your face"*

Selamat jalan ya Pak, semoga perjalanan Bapak diberi kemudahan. Doa kami selalu buat Bapak.

In the deepest loving memory of Guritno Lokollo (1958-2012)

19 Maret 2012

your baby gator, Dhika

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Begitulah. Sebenernya mau bikin lebih panjang. Tapi nanti yasinnya halamannya nambah terus harganya naik lagi. Terus itu last minute gitu ngirimnya dan udah dimarahin Ibu karena tulisannya ga jadi-jadi. 

Sebenernya kesini-sini jadi tertarik nulis tentang almarhum eyang Rachmad kakung (bapaknya Bapak) yang meninggal pas gue masih kecil. Pas ngobrol sama keluarga ternyata banyak interesting facts tentang beliau yang baru gue ketahui. Kalau beliau masih ada sekarang, I think he would be like some cool grandpa, the cool witty adventurous type of grandpa you see on the movies haha. But we'll get to it later.

rumpi

biggest lesson from last night's talk at ruko RSKIA Astana Anyar, before our last night shift:

 

"wajar sih kalau jadi orang ga mau susah, ga mau repot. tapi jangan gara-gara ga pernah mau susah jadi terus-terusan nyusahin orang lain dong"

semoga saya ga jadi orang yang kebanyakan nyusahin yah, amiin.

...

just listen. dont judge.

as much as you disagree. dont judge.

as stupid as you think it was. dont judge.

as loud as those haters whispering in your mind. dont judge.

as crystal clear as your self righteousness told you to. dont judge

as hard as it is not to judge. dont judge.

your ears are enough

- dedicated to myself, for I am trying all I can to be a good listener. and to the little voice inside my head, stop judging dear.

seeing your usual smile, and that's enough

Udah lama gak nulis ya, hmmm. Sejak tahun baru lalu masuk koass memang level kemageran gue amat sangat bertambah, gue pun tidak paham kenapa bisa beginiiii :( Padahal tahun 2012 ini banyak banget momen yang ngubah hidup gue, mulai koass, pindah kosan ke Bandung, sampai meninggalnya Bapak. Ups and downs nya udah banyak bangettt, tapi harus tetep semangaaaattt, pokoknya kurangin mager!! Haha moga-moga ini bukan sekedar wacana yah

Nah alasan kenapa gue urgent banget pengen nulis lagi adalah: gue akhirnya mimpi ketemu almarhum bokap gueee. Akhirnya loh! Setelah sekian lama (bokap meninggal 15 Februari 2012) gue ditanya mulu sama orang (selain menerima ucapan bela sungkawa tentunya) "pernah mimpi ketemu Bapak gak, Dhik?" gue selalu jawab "belom pernah sampe skarang, Eyang/Bude/Pakde/Om/Tante/Cuy".

Anyway, gue merasa sangat perlu menuliskan detail mimpi ini. Sebenernya agak lucu sih, karena setting mimpinya ini di Labsky Iya tempat gue menghabiskan masa SMA. Kebetulan gue juga lagi kena sindrom High School Sick, kangen gila ama SMA gue. 

Jadi persis di koridor Labsky deket balkon. Ceritanya tuh lagi rame-rame gitu di Labsky, entah ada apa. Terus dikejauhan gue ngeliat bokap jalan ke arah gue sambil tersenyum, dengan cengirannya yang biasa. Bokap gue agak gondrong di mimpi ini dan make jaket tweed warna coklat. Kayaknya memang salah satu jaket bokap gue ada yg kayak gitu dan biasa beliau pake kalau lagi ke negara yg iklimnya dingin, sampe gue ngubek-ngubek lemari bokap loh kemaren buat nyari ada baju yang itu ato nggak.

Bokap nyengir ngeliat gue terus ngomong "Are you okay?"

Yah, dan gue nangis lah ngeliat bokap nyamperin gue. Langsung gue peluk. Gila kangen bangeeeeetttt.

Terus tebak apa yang gue ucapkan di mimpi itu. Bukannya "Bapak apa kabar?" ato "Kangen deh Pak" ato apa gitu lah, instead gue malah ngomong "Pak, kalau Dhika udah nikah nanti doain Dhika bisa kayak Ibu dan Bapak ya". Hahaha dodol bgt, padahal banyak kalimat lain yang lebih worth it buat diucapkan. Bokap gue ketawa dong dengernya, abis itu ngomong "Iya nak, nanti cari yang kayak Bapak yaa". 

Terus udahan, gue ngelepasin pelukannya. Bokap gue jalan balik ke arah beliau dateng tadi sambil ngucapin sesuatu yang gue lupa persisnya apa. Kayaknya sih semacam 'take care ya' gitu lah sambil dadah-dadah ke gue. Dan beliau pun menghilang di tengah kerumunan, persis kaya di film-film.

Gue pun terbangun. Tau-tau udah nangis aja. Tapi seneennggggg bangeetttt bisa ketemu Bapak lagi, biar cuma di mimpi. Makaih ya Allah udah dipertemukan lagi sama Bapak. Makasih udah jawab doaku.

Bapak, it's tough here but I'm perfectly okay. And you should be as well. Take care disana ya, Bapak. Love you :'')

sotoylosophy #1

Siapa ya yang pernah bilang ke gue, "belajarlah dari kesalahan-kesalahan yang pernah kita lakukan , tapi lebih baik lagi kalau bisa belajar dari kesalahan orang lain tanpa perlu kita sendiri yang mengalaminya".

Ada lagi yang pernah gue denger, "mungkin satu-satunya cara untuk mengetahui sesuatu itu benar-benar salah atau tidak yaitu dengan melakukan kesalahan tersebut dulu"

Atau mungkin makhluk yang namanya manusia memang terlalu bebal. So they know what they're doing is a mistake yet they keep doing the same mistake. Padahal katanya merugi lah orang-orang seperti itu.

The biggest shit is, kadang-kadang yang namanya kesalahan itu relatif. Jadi bisa saja apa yang dilakukan orang lain itu benar tapi saat kita mau melakukan hal yang sama tapi situasinya beda, tiba-tiba hal yang benar tersebut jadi salah. Atau sesuatu yang seharusnya ga boleh dilakukan, tapi di situasi terdesak baik dengan pertimbangan moral ataupun murni refleks manusia, jadi boleh dilakukan.

It's all about asking your own conscience, and to pray hard that you still have it.

I pray that in any circumstances I've been or am or will be under, I still have it.

neither big nor small, simply love

reblogged from Paulo Coelho's blog:

"How can I know if my love is big enough?"

"Ask yourself if you give yourself fully or if you flee from your emotions, but do not ask yourself if your love is big enough, because love is neither big nor small, it is simply love. You cannot measure a feeling the way you measure a road. If you do that, you will start comparing your love with what others tell you of theirs or with your own expectations of love. That way, you will always be listening to some story, rather than pushing your emotions to their limits"

HIMYM thing

"You may think your only choice is to swallow your anger or to throw it on someone's face, but there's a third option. You can just let it go. And only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward" - Ted Mosby

"The Cheerleader Effect is when a group of women seems hot, but only, as a group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs." - Barney Stinson

you gotta love Ted and Barney

and btw, do not take this the wrong way. I'm not some kind of anti-cheerleader for quoting this. In fact, used to be one on junior high school. I just love Barney's outstanding theories.

Room #2

Found this among the old files in my external harddisk: the pictures of my old room in Bale Padjadjaran dormirtory. Started in 2008 when I first entered medical school, there's a new medical faculty regulation which require first year students to live in the new built dormitory for a year. Mine was room number 2 with Waafa from Malaysia as my roommate. It was a pleasant year back then, except at night I felt rather isolated because there's nowhere to buy food around the dorm after 10 PM. Nevertheless, I do miss my old room. Wonder who's the lucky owner now.

Quick Pick

There's this annoying feeling when you want or you feel like you need to post something on blog but you don't have any idea on what to post. I am currently on that state, at least for the past 20 minutes. Then I looked around my room and decided to pick some random things that catch my eyes. So basically this is a really unimportant post and me trying to practice my messy written english on a Friday night. Feel free to skip this if you want to.

1. Lelaki Tua dan Laut, the indonesian translation for Ernest Hemingway's novel The Old Man and The Sea. My 20th birthday present form Dinda. Always love the bright cover design. It's about an old Cuban fisherman struggling to prove himself that he's not a cursed fisherman. The story's about optimism, which is great. It's also written in perfect details so you can really picture what it's like to be a traditional fisherman. Anyway I haven't finish it. Actually there are plenty of books (real ones, not medical books) I haven't finish yet due to the minor thesis I'm working on.

2. Donny Dhirgantoro's second novel, 2. This is also a birthday present from my KKN friends (KKN means Kuliah Kerja Nyata, some kind like college student's community service). I love Donny Dhirgantoro's work. He really has his own style in writing, especially the theme about nationalism. This book is filled with brilliant quotes that makes you wanna highlight all of them right away. Yes, I haven't finish this one also. Blame the minor thesis.

3. How I Met Your Mother second season DVD. I have just became a HIMYM fan like two weeks ago, while this show has already reached its seventh season. I must admit, this sitcom got its own touch and it really captures me on the heart. Love the story, love the comedy, love the characters!

4. Scut Monkey Handbook: Clinician's Pocket Reference. Bought it last Monday on a medical books sale in my campus. Some friends recommended this to me and said it will help a lot on clerkship. Since I will be on clerkship like 5 months from now (hopefully), I decided to buy it. I bought this for Rp 100.000, usually it's about Rp 150.000.

5. Laura Vandini body lotion. My mother bought this from Vienna. Really love the pleasant scent and the slight shimmer on it.

Catch up later!

RIP Steve Jobs

"You can't connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life" 

RIP Steve Jobs

 Entrepreneur; Founder and CEO of Apple Inc.